Who could have ever understood what sex was when it is a subjective experience and I was refusing to accept the evidence piling up at my door. I was unaware of self. My life has been on hold for almost thirty years and these three concepts define my life and are beyond my control. I wasted most of my life looking almost everywhere for answers rather than facing up to the truth.
What was I supposed to be told by another what was I supposed to say to myself to comfort me when the culture around me was soaked in the culture of sex and the objectification and repression of women.
Where ever I went I was bombarded by the mundane truth of everyone’s experience of gender and sexuality. How could I redefine it when I wasn’t prepared to accept the context of my experience.
When I did realize my gender identity and the potential of my sexuality I still assumed that there was something wrong with me. I wasn’t able to function at the same pace as every one else or in the same forms. I was excluded from almost every cultural and social experience because my experience differed so greatly from everyone else.
Why I experience life like this is a mystery. Some people might think I have been unwilling to engage in the activities associated with gender based or sexual activities. Perhaps my medications are interfering with my biological functioning. Whatever happens it is a deeply depressing problem to have to face. I would never choose to isolate myself from culture and society like this and I would never wish it upon anyone else. This doesn’t mean I’m embarrassed by this or ashamed. I don’t think this means I should be excluded from the general discourse in society nor vilified.
How could I ever be comfortable shopping for clothes and expressing myself when I didn’t feel comfortable being a woman. The judgments made about regular girls were like a iron fortress preventing me from experimenting or expressing my gender identity. The pressures from almost every aspect of society to have some kind of formal sexual identity including chastity which is sadly not the same thing are a pressure on the lifeblood of human experience. I looked almost everywhere for a form of gender and sexual expression that sadly never bore fruit. I’m deeply ashamed of my compulsive obsession with pornography and am amazed I didn’t realize sooner or begin to look to the darker corners of the internet faster.
I am transgender and an asexual bisexual. If you want to make up your own mind about such a statement without doing research or by just asking me directly then you are so doomed to defining my subjective experience by your own. We are not all the same nor made the same. This process has destroyed my ability to be a part of society because people still hold me up to their own standards. I do sometimes get aroused but it is such an isolated experience that it can’t itself be a guide to my social interactions. I may yet have some fulfilling sexual experiences and more importantly experiences that help to celebrate what it means to be transgender asexual and bisexual.
For most of my life I have been hoping for some sense of solidarity and the ability to celebrate my achievements and to to help define my direction and goals. My life experience has driven away almost everyone I hold dear and the more they hear to more distant they become. They are still under the illusion that I can be defined by a mental health diagnosis or by my own failure to express myself.
Please try to understand that being this way does not mean I am intrinsically happy with myself. I celebrate all that I am and have achieved but the world around me continues with it’s predominate norms. One day someone will be able to put aside their prejudices to understand how confusing growing up this way can be and can begin to make some sort of allowances for my needs. Simple needs like those of company and intimacy. I know that love is still a real emotion I feel and perhaps one day someone can stop making assumptions about my needs.
Everyone in the LGBTIQA community has at some point been defined as a sexual deviant by someone. We do deviate from the norm but that doesn’t mean our innate experiences are defined as wrong or problematic. The far greater evil is assuming that we have to conform to an experience that does not respect our subject experience of it.