Set Theory Explains Me

After moving in to my new flat and finally getting things in order I realised I needed a TV Licence. I have had a licence before at different addresses and also lived without one while not viewing or recording live broadcasts.

I have some issues with set theory, throughout my life I feel I have had an intuitive connection with the people and spaces I’m pressent in.

 

I was always an observer and shy to speak but I found myself chameleon like addapting to my peers whenever I was included into a group.

Mulling over the three payment dates available for the TV Licence the obvious choice would have been the last.

To pay it as late as possible and keep that extra money all to myself for the short window of opportunity afforded.

But the choice of the 8th stood out and I payed it with an arbertary carelessness. With my chameleon like responses I payed and switched on my TV.

I had backdated the payments and too my surprise I felt very different viewing habits form. I also noticed different shows and channels on offer. As I wathched it dawned on my that the four different payment dates could be profiled into broad groups of people. As I giggled along the The Good Wife like I hadn’t done for years I wondered about the lure of the number 8. Lucking out I realised I had attached to a largely male viewing population, contrasting to my previous flat.

Being transgender means I’m happy to express my feminitity and this group or set seemed to have made thier pick based on something trivial like the “8th”. I thought about the eights of marijuana I used to buy and wondered if some stoner getting thier first flat would pick such a number based on thier habit. A careless aside and in joke. It seemed to be. I had made no such decision although my subconcious may be that maluable. If HSBC are to be believed it’s was a chinese fortune cookie waiting to be broken open.

Taking the time to switch channels and watch it was alarming at how my viewing habits had changed. I even wondered if there was an automated system of prefferential treatment to early payers of the licence fee.

I suspect it’s subtile and in my receptive state it seemed not a part of madness but influence of all my fellow TV Licence payers.

Gleefully I updated my next payment to the 1st of the month trying to think what kind of person pays it promptly and upfront.

Perhaps those on low wages wanting it paid after thier paycheck clears to hold onto their spending power.

But in reality it’s arbatary. Over a lifetime you may miss out on 22 days with approximatley ¬£15 in your pocket. That could mean the world to someone but as these things ware on are we still so keen to cling onto that small sliver of opportunity.

I had chanced upon a similer phenomenon while viewing YouTube and paying attention to the advertisments.

I had taken a gamble and began to see the rows of four videos as representing different audience types. Those most amused by Bondage or the lack of it, disipline or the lack of it, sadism or the lack of it and masichism or the lack of it. After selecting a video the grid of nine options seemed to repressent sexual prefarences. from left to right top to bottom they seemed to be pitched at, cis women, cis men, parents, gays, bisexuals, lesbians, transgender people, intersex people and queers of various kinds.

Perhaps Google had found a way to best placate your viewing by formalising or randomising the grid. Keeping you watching and hoping for your own peer group.

But as I have found on the internet services there are constantly evolving and mutating. It’s hard to get a stagnent snapshot. Appart from deleting your logging out and deleting your cookies you don’t have much choice but to have your viewing instantly affect your future viewing.

Cookies are used to profile you based on almost every interaction and many sites cross over via advertising contracts and social plug ins.

So for a chameleon I was struck with a rather fundemental question. Who am I? If my peer group affects me in my real world behaviours and abilities and the interent seemed to be a training ground for tight nit peer groups. What was the future for an observer who just wants to know what makes people tick.

My asexuality, the gravity well that I call my sex life denies a lot of the common interactions people must be familier with. Although I failed to socialise with women I did find my transgender identity. I begin to wonder if I ever paid my TV licence on the 1st or the 15th, both my best guess women. The BDSM model seemed to be mirrored with a FMFM (Female, Male, Female, Male) viewer personality type.

At school we are taught to read and to colate evidence for various tasks but out in the real world we are free to do as we please, within certain limitations.

If we failed to profile the choices we make we neglect the power of the human mind. Many people make decisions in the monet on intuition not fact and the set theory that encases us may be making those instinctive desicitions for us.

Do we really need X, Y, and Z? Or is our consumption based on an intuition that we either bind stand over with disipline or wield over others. Perhaps we all choose the 22nd to have that fraction of our net worth in our pokets for a little while longer but next time you make a decision try to think who is really driving your decission making. If we ignore our doctor for the sake of our own and already won cognative games then will we very likely end up the product of our most base instincts.

As a possible Asexual I worried where these would take me. Am I hollow and devoid of respect for human life that I would immerse myself in viceral experiences. Most of these scare me more than they should. Not having sex successfully leaves me vulnerable to the emotional rollercoaster of possible experiences.

The human sexual experience is supposed to be formed foremeost in the mind, the greatest erogenous zone. And perhaps as a still single 34 year old I have just tired of ever trying to explore the kinds of relationships I need.

Taking the time to find a partner shouldn’t be this desensitised but perhaps it is. I may be cursed with the desire to experience life and not direct it.

But as I look back at years of internet observations and TV watching I realise that the world around me always told me how life is and when I couldn’t experience it I was in confusion. Lured into the culture of sex but somehow always outside of it.

As I look at the artifificial and easy to define peer groups on facebook, twitter and any online community I wonder who will be dictating the world to me. When in reality I’m difficult to reach emotionally.

I would be the first to question the ethics committie in any goverment about the brainwashing of our children but in reality they are choices we make every day.

I just don’t think I was empowered enough to express myself as a youth above my peers. We probably all face a time like this in our lives when we have to take responsibility for what we put into our bodies and what we produce. The food metaphore seems adept as apart from drugs is one of my few pleasures. But restrictions and dissipline keep me on the border clinging to an almost health BMI.

I don’t have much to look forward to in a day but a bowl of porridge and a cup of fresh coffee just about does the trick.

Intelectual and creative persuits help me find some sense of wonder in the world and although I should be the bitterest of people to still be an approximation of a virgin at 34 I realise that I have a lot going for me.

While I may not have the disipline I certainly have the curiosity about the paramaters that define our world. If I’m willing to share them you may discover something interesting about yourself.

When you next sit there idly changing the channel think of me. Trying to find my peer group but failing at the first social hurdle. The dynamics of a relationship might look clear on paper but untill you have been in one with the crushing emptiness and disapointment and only the thinly veiled exitment of finally fitting into society you won’t know what it is to dream.

The music I listen to blurs into genre and pattern symetry and the words pass me by. I can focus and pluck out a few lines about some forgotten lover but in truth I really don’t know.

The patterns of human behaviour that I see around me BDSM/FMFM, LGBTIQA are all blur.

I’m smart in some form but not one that is tangible besides didn’t I have to learn almost blind to human emotion?

Don’t get me wrong I have feelings. Glitches that overwhelm me about once a year. I still long for the chance to cry.

But I’m not bitter, how could I be. I’m just trying to make sense of an assumed symetry. I’m proud to be a Feminist and wear whatever I want but peer groups have rules. With my facination in art and computer science I appreciate freedom and rules and the rules within freedom. Jung said “In all chaos there is a cosmos, in all order a secret disorder” and I would have to agree. Through the noise of the city and all our social haunts I’m never sure of my place. I don’t want to stand alone but also I fear lossing touch with my fundemental sense of self.

The self that knows the moral maze and wreasles with the challange of knowing without always feeling.

So I find myself open and free and the only real structure and decision that dictate my life come through me. Am I tired of hacking away on donated laptops at my local Hackspace will I make a new push publish my poetry or work it all into a film. If my focus can allow all these projects may still flourish.

But if you ever loose your guiding light think for a while about those that have none, we manage to do OK. I’m not bringing into this world more mouths to feed that the planet can’t sustain and just the chance to understand is enough.

I may make it out of my gravity well, perhaps the set theory was all wrong. Who pay’sfor thier TV Licence on the 1st?

Transgender Asexual & Bisexual

Who could have ever understood what sex was when it is a subjective experience and I was refusing to accept the evidence piling up at my door. I was unaware of self. My life has been on hold for almost thirty years and these three concepts define my life and are beyond my control. I wasted most of my life looking  almost everywhere for answers rather than facing up to the truth.

What was I supposed to be told by another what was I supposed to say to myself to comfort me when the culture around me was soaked in the culture of sex and the objectification and repression of women.

Where ever I went I was bombarded by the mundane truth of everyone’s experience of gender and sexuality. How could I redefine it when I wasn’t prepared to accept the context of my experience.

When I did realize my gender identity and the potential of my sexuality I still assumed that there was something wrong with me. I wasn’t able to function at the same pace as every one else or in the same forms. I was excluded from almost every cultural and social experience because my experience differed so greatly from everyone else.

Why I experience life like this is a mystery. Some people might think I have been unwilling to engage in the activities associated with gender based or sexual activities. Perhaps my medications are interfering with my biological functioning. Whatever happens it is a deeply depressing problem to have to face. I would never choose to isolate myself from culture and society like this and I would never wish it upon anyone else. This doesn’t mean I’m embarrassed by this or ashamed. I don’t think this means I should be excluded from the general discourse in society nor vilified.

How could I ever be comfortable shopping for clothes and expressing myself when I didn’t feel comfortable being a woman. The judgments made about regular girls were like a iron fortress preventing me from experimenting or expressing my gender identity. The pressures from almost every aspect of society to have some kind of formal sexual identity including chastity which is sadly not the same thing are a pressure on the lifeblood of human experience. I looked almost everywhere for a form of gender and sexual expression that sadly never bore fruit. I’m deeply ashamed of my compulsive obsession with pornography and am amazed I didn’t realize sooner or begin to look to the darker corners of the internet faster.

I am transgender and an asexual bisexual. If you want to make up your own mind about such a statement without doing research or by just asking me directly then you are so doomed to defining my subjective experience by your own. We are not all the same nor made the same. This process has destroyed my ability to be a part of society because people still hold me up to their own standards. I do sometimes get aroused but it is such an isolated experience that it can’t itself be a guide to my social interactions. I may yet have some fulfilling sexual experiences and more importantly experiences that help to celebrate what it means to be transgender asexual and bisexual.

For most of my life I have been hoping for some sense of solidarity and the ability to celebrate my achievements and to to help define my direction and goals. My life experience has driven away almost everyone I hold dear and the more they hear to more distant they become. They are still under the illusion that I can be defined by a mental health diagnosis or by my own failure to express myself.

Please try to understand that being this way does not mean I am intrinsically happy with myself. I celebrate all that I am and have achieved but the world around me continues with it’s predominate norms. One day someone will be able to put aside their prejudices to understand how confusing growing up this way can be and can begin to make some sort of allowances for my needs. Simple needs like those of company and intimacy. I know that love is still a real emotion I feel and perhaps one day someone can stop making assumptions about my needs.

Everyone in the LGBTIQA community has at some point been defined as a sexual deviant by someone. We do deviate from the norm but that doesn’t mean our innate experiences are defined as wrong or problematic. The far greater evil is assuming that we have to conform to an experience that does not respect our subject experience of it.