Mikko Eley

Whats in my Eastpak?

Cap: For when the hair gets unruly or I just want to boy it up)

Jimmy Hats: You never know when you will meet the right guy

Pill Box: My daily dose

Painkillers: For the odd headache, and hangover

Journal: For when I feel the urge to vent in private

Notebook: Lists, ideas random musings, good for what ails you

Business Cards (customized): Spent a day drawing unique pictures on each one

Book: Not really feeling it but I’m slow to get into books

Phone, Camera, MP3 Player Cables: Cables Cables Cables, the bane of my life

Nikon FM2: My pride and joy 35mm rules!

Drawing/Writing pens: Got to love a good pen

Film: Got to keep stocked with out of date film

Headphones: For escape

MP3 Player: Too much storage for me but it does the job

Laptop: I run Linux! With case

USB Drives: For hot swapping

Laptop Power adapter: to juice up

Sadly my A4 Sketch book stayed at home that day, it’s just filled with filth anyway. Will maybe do another post about my Handbag, for when I’m traveling light. Yes I am a Geek Grrl and carry far too much stuff.

For some reason or another I was making a painting of a man falling from a tall building rather reminiscent of shots from the film Vertigo in an A-Level art class. I had been listening to Experimental Jet-Set, Trash and no Star by Sonic Youth on my mini-disc player while painting.

I decided to name the painting after a song on the album and started skipping through to see which had the best mood and lyrics for my painting. I remember I played ‘Androgynous Mind’ and immediately thought it was a little close to home. Combined with the death scene “people might notice something was wrong with me.”

I ended up naming it after one of the other tracks on the album, I can’t remember which. But what were those offending lyrics that hit a little too close to home?

hey sad angel walks, and he talks like a girl
out trying to think why it stinks, he’s not a girl
now he’s kicked in the gut, they fucked him up, just enough
they got me down on my knees, I kiss his ring, God is love

androgynous mind, androgynous mind
androgynous mind, androgynous mind
androgynous mind, androgynous mind

hey hey are you gay? are you God?
my brain’s a bomb, to turn you on
everything is all right
god is gay, and you were right

androgynous mind, androgynous mind
androgynous mind, androgynous mind
androgynous mind, androgynous mind

hey hey it’s okay, hey hey it’s okay (x4)
hey hey it’s okay, hey it’s okay (x5)
hey hey it’s okay, hey hey it’s okay (x6)
aaaaaaaawwwooooooowwwaaaaaaaooo

god said it’s all right, for you to fight
to free yr mind
whose side are you on?
like a bomb, yr free tonight

androgynous mind, androgynous mind
androgynous mind, androgynous mind
androgynous mind, androgynous mind

hey hey it’s okay, hey hey it’s okay (x4)
hey hey it’s okay, hey it’s okay (x5)
hey hey 

- Androgynous Mind by Sonic Youth

A short mix I made when all contemplative, made me think a bit too much as it goes. Some moods can lead to dangerous places especially when you have negative people on the periphery.

(5 of 5)

(4 of 5)

(3 of 5)

(2 of 5)

(1 of 5)

No one cares
big city bright lights
sell your wares, be done
all in search of fun.

On another level
click clack it’s a gun in your back.
Surf the sun, ride the rain
it washes away the pain.

Prim, proper all dressed in black
I ask myself, not this again.
Man down, laughs ring out
did I ever have a doubt?

While astro-travelling I found a box with a lock,
there were many locks guarding this box.
To unlock it I would have to dance a dance,
tap out the secret codes and quietly prance.

Inside a tree I found, and she bristled with gold,
It was sheer heaven and a sight to behold.
I would panic and shut the box up tighter with twine,
only to return to it when it played on my mind.

Doing my dance and unravelling the twine,
it was only when I cast the box aside that I was no longer blind.
But like a flower this tree would wilt more every day,
water and love were the only ways to pray.

Now the tree is starting to bloom,
new leaves mean new life soon.
This lock picker has hung up her rusty old tools,
and sits by the tree looking for toadstools.

So a month or so ago I had a major relapse and had some profound realisations about myself. After hallucinating for a night I broke the wall of silence about the depth of my transgender feelings to one of my best friends.

I cried on the way home listening to my iPod on shuffle because he had been so supportive about it and I never expected that. I cried at home and then slept.

The next day I decided to get all dolled up and spin some vinyl to cheer myself up. If you have ever wondered what kind of hip hop a transgender person listens to then read on. I call this set “Hip Hop in Heels” It was a 100% vinyl mix mostly off 12” singles.

During the mix I had a tragic accident that resulted in a broken turntable lid, a fault with one of my cartridges and a blown speaker. They are being repaired at the moment as long as my insurance people sort it out and pay up. There are some dangers in mixing in heels luckily though my footwear wasn’t damaged.

Note that there are probably only two female artists in this mix. Personally I don’t find much music that speaks from my (female) voice and prefer to delight in everyone’s expression. Plus I have a crush on MANY rappers, did you know Big Daddy Kane did a photo shoot for Playgirl? I bet you didn’t *giggle* I think more rappers should follow suit!

I was still quite ill and felt the power of the music even stronger than normal. I also had a delusion that my best friends were trying to share my experience by tripping on acid in the neighbours garden. I was playing loud enough for the whole street to hear to be honest.


Hip Hop in Heels:

Flying Lotus - 1984 (not sure which track)
Diamond and the Psychotic Neurotics - Sally got a one track Mind
De La Soul - Stakes is High
DJ Day - Got to get it right (not sure what track)
Pete Rock - Back on the Block (DJ Krush RMX)
Invisible - Streets be testing you
Large Pro - The Beginning
Lords of the Underground - Flow On (New Symphony) Pete Rock Remix
De La Soul - Pressure
Jaylib - Strip Club
Flying Lotus Feat Declaim - Whole Wide World
Stetsasonic - Talking all that Jazz (Extended Vocal)
A Tribe Called Quest - Jazz (we’ve got) (re-recording)
Common - The Game
Bahambadia - Commonwealth (Cheap Chicks)
Pete Rock and C. L. Smooth - Lots of Lovin
Chubb Rock - Lost in the Storm (Marley’s Hip Hop Remix)
Grand Puba - Ya Know How it Goes
Big Daddy Kane - I’ll Take You There
Pete Rock and C. L. Smooth - They Reminisce Over You (T.R.O.Y)
The Roots - The Seed
Big L - Street Struck
Black Star - Twice inna Lifetime
Jay Dee - Fuck the Police
Oh No - Beware feat. Cali Agents (DJ Mitsu the Beats Remix)
Atmosphere - They All Get Mad at You <—- tragic accident here
Blacksheep - The Choice is Yours (Revisited)
Nightmares on Wax - 70s 80s (The Scientist Remix 1)
Five Deez - Fugg That
Heralds of Change feat. Oddisee - Show You (or b side)
Kazi - A.V.E.R.A.G.E
The Pharcyde - Runnin’ (Jay Dee Estended Mix)
Quasimoto - Basic Instinct
Kev Brown - Always
Kidz in the Hall - Wheelz Fall Off
Black Milk - Shut it Down

If I ever buy all these tracks on mp3 (I can’t be bothered to rip them all I will put the mix on 8tracks.com in the mean time if anyone wants to take a crack at doing it for me then feel free. Some of the tracks are quite hard to find so be warned.

I find it strange that I can be overwhelmed with belief in the strangest things. Paranoid schizophrenia will do that to you and it will open up all kinds of doors. I can identify with religious types being so fond of their beliefs and why people find it so hard to change them.

Belief can be overwhelming and all encompassing. When I get ill I have to start thinking about parallel dimensions to steady my nerves so that I can simultaneously believe something far out and maintain my insight. I don’t always want to disprove my fantastical beliefs because they facilitate me in expressing parts of me that otherwise would be buried.

I was born with, I hope, only two misplaced beliefs. That I should want to have sex solely with women and that I was a man. Although I have “known” that these beliefs were false from my first realisation that anything could be otherwise I found them hard to shake off, not because they are true but because it is part of a socially accepted comfort zone.

I knew these beliefs were misplaced before I fell ill. But my illness breaks through all the barriers I have acquired to expressing the alternative to these fundamental beliefs. In normal life I am only scratching at the surface but in a relapse the walls are torn down and I can be free.

There are delusions and hallucinations that can trouble me and I know where they come from but I can also gauge their accuracy by my responses to them. If I’m blissed out and loving every minute, perhaps I am exploring something that resonates with me. If it makes me angry, hurt or scared then maybe it is not so important to my well being although it can be something I need to address in some way but aren’t ready for, the idea of surgery was like that for a while.

I find schizophrenia a lot like tripping on LSD, you can have a bad trip or a good trip. The only point is it is all coming from within, there is less of an artificial filter, wacky visuals etc… I also suspect that the more you have going on in your subconscious the more intense a trip or relapse will be.

Too many people think of madness and drug use to other worldly. I find it rooted in our desires, fears and emotions. The positive side of having such a mental health problem and retaining so much insight into my condition means I know what makes me tick and what I need to be or express in reality.

If you had a catholic upbringing and had no great trauma buried in your subconscious except the “sins” you committed or struggled with. No matter how minor they were, you might end up having profound religious experiences when ill. Seeing the devil etc… Others may just have bog standard paranoia not really related to anything.

If you had watched too many thrillers maybe you would start believing you were in a spy novel. Illness can also become an echo chamber when without a plot. My theory is that our experiences colour our madness and my deep rooted hot topics were about sexuality and gender. Thus they became interwoven into most of my delusions and hallucinations

Having a very progressive upbringing didn’t stop the two fundamental beliefs that I must love women and that I am a man, becoming deeply rooted. They both ultimately played a part in my confusion and I had trouble expressing both as they were prescribed from a young age.

I feel this prescription was handed to me by my family, my peers and the media. I feel my sexuality was coloured mostly by my peers but my gender was sadly coloured by family also. The media is a major culprit in both stereotypes although I have strong memories of all the times I saw trans women treated seriously by the media but they were few and far between.

I view my male body as a secondary player in this game of stereotypes. If assumptions weren’t so easily made I might have had the confidence to express myself at an earlier age.

I have had so many profound experience in my life pointing out that the truth may lie in the opposite direction that I sometimes ponder my sanity for ignoring them or giving up after half hearted attempts at exploration. I sometimes wonder what kind of experience it would take to shake a religious persons faith when so many people are willing to feed their delusion.

So many fundamentally religious types are regularly being fed more of the same by their organised religions and those that profit from them. Their belief is easy. What did I have growing up except the idea that transgressing gender was funny at best and nothing more, not fit for the reality of daily life.

I didn’t have my transgender equivalent to Fox news, I didn’t have the gay version of the Daily Mail to feed my particular bent. I had to make do and build my own idols. I had to find my own path. Now that I am looking at the path I know I must walk as far as my freshly shaved legs will take me because my subconscious certainly wont let go of the fundamental truth.

I need to change the way I see myself and how I express myself and fight the years of conditioning that have been heaped on. I have to fight the beliefs of others as well as my own. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel but it’s hard to walk alone.

We can believe what we want but we must be aware that if our subconscious keeps throwing up warning flags we should take notice. Too many people walk around in a waking daze while others are in touch with their true self as well as their desires and identity.

I think it’s important to realise that if something you believe was handed to you by your upbringing or schooling and not by your own experiences and it holds you back from expressing something positive inside you then don’t ignore it, embrace it.

For too long I have looked for acceptance or a chance to prove my point because it is society that fed me those beliefs. Apparently I felt I had to prove myself to everyone to make it all square. But in reality the fight is going on inside me and all I have to do is accept myself and my desires and cast those pre-packaged beliefs aside.

Belief is optional…

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (35 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (34 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (33 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (32 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (31 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (30 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (29 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (28 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (27 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (26 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (25 of 35)

I’m a geek at heart and I love geeky radio shows. Digital planet is a superb show from the BBC that looks into different tech topics every week. Gareth Mitchell presents the show and Bill Thompson provides very astute commentary. Together they provide insight into the emerging tech trends around the world. Being from the BBC, production is high quality and although it tries to keep things simple doesn’t get caught up in the hype around new trends. Bill especially gives a rather level headed assessment of things. They try to remain impartial but I wish there was similar show from the BBC that focused on FLOSS topics, I fear this would be too niche and Digital Planet do do a good job of covering FLOSS issues.

After following boing boing for some time I became aware of Jesse Brown’s podcast “Search Engine”. Tending to focus on copyright and internet freedom he provides a good analysis of current hot topics effecting the internet and it’s users. The Guardian aren’t known for radio but the British newspaper puts out several podcasts including Tech Weekly fronted by Dr. Aleks Krotoski who I fondly remember hosting computer games review show Bits and Thumb Bandits on Channel four in the late 90’s. Tech weekly is polished but not to the standards of Digital Planet. Tech Weekly focuses on a round table of commentators with individual interview segments and features. The commentators from the Guardian HQ are knowledgeable and informative.

2600 Magazine is mainstay of Hacker Culture and one of the most visible to the non-hacker world. Emmanuel Goldstein and his cohorts provide a level of analysis in their radio show “Off The Hook” that is missing from most shows. Often humorous in their take on things they are definitely informed by counter culture stalwarts like Abe Hoffman and delight in messing with the system. Often curious how to break or circumvent technology as well as how to best use it. Off the Hook comes from a phone phreaking background and it is still evident although they end up focusing on internet technology more and more. This is a simplification Emmanuel and gang are interested in all technology and its uses and abuses. Talk of legal issues crops up often, more as an afterthought but they also devote much time to critiquing legislation effecting technology and its users. I have been following the show, religiously at times, for years now and heartily recommend it to help unleash your inner hacker. You can also find cash machine (ATM) designers quickly back tracking when after telling you how cash machines work you mention 2600 Magazine or Off the Hook might be interested in this info, as once happened to me.

Digital Planet - Tuesdays - BBC World Service - AM, FM, SW, DAB Digital Radio, Cabel, Satelite, TV and Online - UK

Search Engine - Tuesdays - TVO - Online - Canada

Tech Weekly - Wednesdays - The Guardian - Online - UK

Off The Hook - Wednesdays 7pm (EST) WBAI - Online and 99.5 FM - New York, New York

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (24 of 35)

I have a love of radio and try to catch my favourite shows as often as possible. I’d like to share a few of those shows with you. Due to the ease of using the BBC’s iPlayer, even if the fact that it uses Adobe’s Flash can make in unstable at times, means I tend to listen to a lot of BBC content. Benji B is one of my favourite DJ’s at the moment. He plays a lot of quality of Hip Hop without the loud bells and whistles that come with a show like Westwood’s. Benji B has a strong soulful slant to all the music he plays. He isn’t limited to Hip Hop though and will play a range of different styles but they all have a similar vibe and it’s one I’m feeling right now. I consider finding his show to be a real blessing. I tune in Live every Sunday via my TV.

Gilles Peterson plays a lot of music I like. Like Benji B he isn’t restricted to one style but similarly it all has a unifying vibe. Where Benji may be soulful Gilles tends to play more jazz and afro influenced music but there is a lot of cross over with the shows. Their differences however make it important to catch both. Both are obviously serious crate diggers and I would say that Gilles probably has the dustier fingers.

Jazzie B from Soul II Soul fame has a lovely breaks show on BBC London. He plays a lot of classic breaks and has something of a house feel to his show. The more I tune in the more I like the show. Another show I’m getting into is We Funk from Montreal. I’ve listened to a couple of shows and they combine Hip Hop mixes with Funk segments and I was recently pleased to hear a segment on the history of Locking, it’s a show I will definitely be paying more attention to.

Benji B - Sundays 10pm (GMT) - BBC 1Xtra - DAB Digital Radio, TV and Online - UK

Gilles Peterson - Wednesdays 2am (GMT) - BBC Radio 1 - DAB Digital Radio, TV, Online and 98.8 FM - UK

Jazzie B’s Back II Life - Fridays 8pm (GMT) - BBC London - DAB Digital Radio, Online and 94.9 FM - London

We Funk Radio - Fridays at Midnight (EST) - CKUT - Online and 90.3FM - Montreal

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (23 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (22 of 35)

There are plenty of good non-profits and charities to donate money to. We often get caught up in the media glitz of charity drives and fundraisers, these are often for very good causes who need all the money they can get but what about the smaller outfits doing good work?

I started to bookmark all the donation pages for charities and non profits I would like to give money to in preparation to me actually having some money to give. I hope this list inspires you to think about the causes close to your heart and maybe encourages you to make a list of your own and heaven forbid, actually donate.

This List is in no particular order.

Resonance 104.4 FM

WBAI, New York 99.5 FM

WikiLeaks

Internet Archive

Creative Commons

Electronic Frontier Foundation

Open Rights Group

Free Software Foundation Europe

Xiph

Debian

Mozilla

Resonance 104.4 FM

London based arts radio station provides some of the best radio in the city. It has an eclectic mix of shows and tries to focus on the arts. It has some limited funding but I believe the majority of staff work unpaid. I feel a bit self conscious having it on in the background when with guests as the output of the station can be strange to say the least with interesting sound art and provocative shows but I would recommend checking it out. Resonance have an MP3 stream so you can listen anywhere in the world although I prefer tuning in with my FM radio even though their signal can be weak in parts of London. I get a pretty good quality sound here in Hackney. I delight in just leaving Resonance FM on all day long and being pleasantly surprised by the soundscapes and intellectual talk on offer.

WBAI, New York 99.5 FM

Another good quality community run station that has no advertising and transmits from the Empire State in New York. Again streams are available online and podcasts are available for some particular shows. I mention WBAI even though I don’t live in New York because I have followed Emmanuel Goldstein and the 2600 crew for many years in their superb hacker radio show “Off the Hook”. I have listened online but tend to catch the show as a podcast. For anyone who is inquisitive about technology and it’s possibilities I can’t recommend it highly enough. I Haven’t heard much of the rest of the stations output but I would recommend it based on off the hook alone it has provided me with many years of listening pleasure and turned me on to many new things. I would recommend donating to WBAI especially if you live in New York and I would strongly recommend checking out 2600.com for The Hacker Quarterly magazine and podcasts

Wiki Leaks

In a world where investigative journalism is dyeing out as media outlets become nothing more than the mouthpiece for their owners it’s important to have someone like wikileaks.org uncovering the big stories for this generation. They have done a lot of good work in uncovering injustice and criminal activity often by organisations so big that getting this information out can otherwise be silenced by intimidation or legal action.

Internet Archive

It’s important to keep the public domain available to the public. I take specific delight in being able to download classic film noir now in the public domain freely and in multiple formats. The archives website is difficult to navigate but there is a wealth of material on the site. I would recommend downloading the noir “detour” which I first saw at the BFI in London and the creative commons licensed animation “Sita Sings the Blues”. You can spend days diving into the archive and there is a lot of flack on the site but buried deep inside are some gems.

Creative Commons

One of my personal heroes Lawrence Lessig helped create the creative commons which is an important project to help open up our culture to allow remixing and propagation while maintaining authorship. If you produce anything that can be copyrighted you can alternatively release your work under a creative commons licence allowing other people to copy and share you work, perhaps remix it and all the time keeping control of wether people are allowed to profit from your work. As your pictures or your videos circulate the web the licence makes it clear that you should be attributed for your work and gives you unique control of how it can be used. Having a rich free culture is important in the age of the internet where copying and sharing is so easy.

Electronic Frontier Foundation

The EFF have done a lot of good work in pushing free speech on the internet along with a lot of related issues. They have been around for as long as I can remember fighting DRM, promoting anonymity and privacy on the net and fighting state wire tapping. In a world where often brain dead politicians make up law based on industry lobby groups rather than having a balanced analysis of the issues the EFF strive to educate the people about the implications of digital legislation. They also try to promote your rights online.

Open Rights Group

Similar to the EFF, ORG are a British based charity fighting for digital rights. They are small but they do a lot of good work, campaigning against the Digital Economy Bill here in the UK and promoting rights online. I helped out at a few talks that ORG organised and they are a friendly bunch. There are a lot of issues being decided for us by business and the government that needs the scrutiny of competent geeks (in the best possible way) like ORG.

Free Software Foundation Europe

After giving to the US based FSF I became aware that there was a more local branch, the FSFE. Free software is an important component of my digital life. I use a free and open source operating system and free (as in freedom) software to create my art and to browse the web. Free software can be hard for some people to grasp when they are used to paying for all their software. But free operating systems nowadays offer a viable alternative to propitiatory systems like Windows and Apple’s OS X. The FSFE work at promoting the free software cause and help fund free software projects. With people like Apple and Microsoft wanting more and more control of your devices like with the iPad and the XBox 360 being able to control and run whatever software you want is becoming more of a cause. I don’t want to have to pay to create and I don’t want to be tied to one system for all my media. Free software and codecs provide us with the tools to get things done while benefiting your fellow man in the process.

Xiph

Talking about codecs there are no finer open source multimedia codecs than those made by the Xiph open source community. Having control of your media is important and you don’t want to be tied to a supplier or manufacturer to be able to play your own media. OGG actually provides better sound quality than MP3 at smaller file sizes and Theora is a superb video codec. Both are free and open source severing any ties your media may have to propitiatory systems that lock you into a specific digital ecosystem.

Debian

As the basis for popular free operating system Ubuntu which I am currently using Debian is the backbone to many Linux implementations. I love GOTO10’s media and arts operating system pure:dyne which is based on Debian and provides artists with a multitude of free software tools to create and share their work. There are many distributions of Linux but I have to pick one and as I run Debian on my desktop and Ubuntu on my laptop I feel obliged to support what I know.

Mozilla

The people who bring you Firefox and Thunderbird are a important force in the free and open source world. With the browser being such an important element of our computers it’s crucial we have secure and stable browsers to deal with the multitude of things we find on the internet. With the monstrosity that is Microsoft Internet Explorer and the need to promote open standards for the development of the internet Mozilla do much good work in developing Firefox.

If you have been inspired to donate, I tip my hat to you. I hope that even if you don’t want to give over your hard earned cash you are hopefully more aware of some important projects.

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (21 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (20 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (19 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (18 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (17 of 35)

As creative type for as long as I can remember I have a strange relationship with copyright. Always entrepreneurial I remember hosting a “gallery show” of my paintings when I must have been five or six and charging not only for entry but, surprising my parents, exit as well.

I have loved to draw and paint throughout my life but my main passion has been photography. Having had the opportunity to study the subject at GCSE and A Level at my school, I excelled at it and enjoyed my time immensely.

I was persistent to say the least in my ambition to get into the London College of Printing to study photography at degree level and was eventually admitted in 2000. I was a promising young student and started my studies with high grades especially in the practical modules.

During my time at art school I slowly started to loose my grounding in reality. I was eventually hospitalised and diagnosed as suffering from paranoid schizophrenia, a diagnosis that would scare anyone but one which helped me understand what was going on.

With help from my university I graduated one year late after taking time off to recuperate and finish written work I had neglected while unstable. It was a huge undertaking being on psychiatric medication and only just then learning how to deal with my condition.

With a degree in my back pocket I tried to be productive in my art but ultimately found myself working in a high street camera store “Oh how the mighty have fallen” one fellow student remarked after being served by me.

The problem was that I was not suited to the 9 to 5. The stress of work would compound my relapses making me seem flaky. My medication making it hard for me to wake up in the mornings making me tardy as well.

After loosing my job my parents helped fund a return to university to study computer science. Already interested in computing and the free software movement in particular I was inspired by the digital advances happening all around me. I had been an active follower of digital culture and the hacker underground over the years.

But the stress of study and several breakdowns and relapses would soon take their toll. Able to achieve high grades but unable to deal with the tight deadlines and heavy workloads along with my condition I dropped out of university.

All the while I would take pictures and flirt with putting them online on sharing sites like flickr. I would read books by Stallman and Lessig and understand the limits copyright placed on our creativity.

I made several video works using copyrighted music and would understand the dangers as well as the ludicrousness of the issue as my friends would download whole archives of music, TV and films for free.

But I understood that if I was to be on a sure footing I needed to be legit and be able to monetise my projects and not leave them as internet flotsam. I thought copyright would allow me to monetise my work. But the greater struggle was gaining the recognition as an artist to be taken seriously enough to be bought and sold.

So I came to the conclusion that my ability to work productively in a commercial context or as a freelancer was not tenable. It placed too high a monetary burden on me to support myself. I knew I would almost certainly be hampered by yet more breakdowns and relapses.

It already has effected my tentative steps to help out friends and charities with creative work. As soon as there are people relying on me my illness likes to remind me that I just can’t sustain the working life I need to pay the rent and I would need the support of a very understanding and patient employer if I was ever to get a lasting job.

Understanding being one of the hardest things to come by when you are faced with living with a mental health condition. My search for a employer that would understand continues.

So my plan? Is to give back to the community that has so inspired me, all the re-mixers, hackers and copyright activists who’s work I have followed for all these years.

I’m not a die hard. I am posting this on tumblr and hope to utilise flickr which I’m sure Stallman would baulk at but I hope to leverage as many free and open source tools as I can. I want to create great art and continue my commentary through my blog and my twitter. Not focusing on my condition but creating art and documenting the world through its distorted lens.

I want to release my art under creative commons licences simply because I need to give something back to the people who pay their taxes and keep me fed throughout my struggle. I realise that due to UK law I can not make money while receiving my out of work benefits. The system being so complex and convoluted that I don’t want to rock the boat. I fear the day I have to fill out another benefits form while ill. Or go to a job centre interview while suffering from hallucinations.

Even scarier is having to deal with these things in my window of clarity. Where I feel like I am undeserving of this ongoing support. Finding myself in the pits of another relapse soon enough but missing out on important funding that could make my life less painful.

I would love to come off benefits and make a name for myself in one field or another. But I need a cushion, I need people around me who I can inform about my struggle and who can be there to support me along the way.

I have been a lurker on the internet for long enough I feel it is time to contribute to this wonderful pool of talent. And by committing myself to be productive in my moments of clarity and releasing that work to you the public under licences that would allow you to share the work and my story.

I want to be a productive member of society and I have so often let down friends, clients and employers just as much as they have let me down. I hope to forge new links amongst the digital community and pave a new path.

With your support, by just bookmarking one of my digital outlets and following what I do I hope you can begin to enjoy the art and commentary I create and maybe one day be a vital part of getting me on my own two feet and earning the money I need to get by.

I pledge to keep on posting, creating and keeping my work available under a creative commons licence for the foreseeable future. I hope you enjoy what I post and spread the word about my very real struggle and my pledge to give back to the culture of the internet that kept me informed, educated and amused for all those years sat at my computer fighting off my demons.

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (16 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (15 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (14 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (13 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (12 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (11 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (10 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (9 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (8 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (7 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (6 of 35)

words lift up from an aged place below the neurons firing ticking over purpose unknown here I lie deep beneath the grass as the watcher beckons with a mute stare sleep takes hold dreams unfold (5 of 35)